Friday, August 25, 2006

Are You Positive You're Negative?

Twelve weeks ago, tonight, after Jen and Walter's housewarming, John and I went to his house and had unprotected sex. The very next night, while I was at a friend's movie party, he fucked a tall, thin, twenty-something with long hair and bad skin. Thus, beginning one of the worst weeks of my life (so far ...).

A little black spot, a reminder, has been on my calendar since then: August 25th, HIV test. Make an appointment. How hard can that be?

So hard I still haven't done it.
I make excuses.
I'll do it during lunch.
Ooh. Shoe-shopping.
I'll do it tomorrow.
Oops. They don't do testing on the weekend.
I'll wait until Monday.
Hm. I don't finish work on time.
I'll wait until Wednesday.

Maybe if I wait long enough, the worry will go away. Maybe it will wilt and die like a neglected plant. Maybe it will fade like an old memory.

I don't know if it's the results that scare me or if it's the finality ~

He cheated. I have to get tested. It really is over.

Sometimes I miss him. At night, his arms wrapped around me, our bodies pressed together.

I miss him ... until I remember I was losing myself. I stopped doing so many things I loved ... experimental cooking lost its joy, taking classes no longer interested me, even my knitting lagged ... I took bags of my things from his house when I left. He left nothing at mine, not even a toothbrush.

I was being absorbed by his life little pieces at a time. And, now, I'm starting to reclaim myself.

The test ...

6 comments:

  1. Get tested so you don't have to worry.

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  2. yes, get tested. it will stop the worry and is another step into reclaiming your life and going back to doing things you love.

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  3. Scott C1:03 PM

    By being tested, yes it puts a finality to what happened. It is a step in the healing process that is going on. So, I vote for getting tested sooner rather than later.

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  4. Yeah, I agree with all of the above. Get tested; curse cheating cheater regardless of the results; and then keeping moving forward. After that, buy those shoes that captured your eye.

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  5. Only twelve weeks ago?!?!

    Take the fucking test already. The only person you're hurting is you, and this is actually one of the things in the world over which you have some actual control, so: GO. TAKE. THE. TEST.

    Welcome back to yourself, dearheart. *smooch*

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  6. Only twelve weeks ago?!?!

    Take the fucking test already. The only person you're hurting is you, and this is actually one of the things in the world over which you have some actual control, so: GO. TAKE. THE. TEST.

    Welcome back to yourself, dearheart. *smooch*

    ReplyDelete