Vibrant.(Still) Unrepentant. Badass. Old. Queer

"Have you spoken with him since you are no longer seeing Y," Steveandbobby asked. "No," I replied. "I have better things to do with my time." "And the claws come out," Steveandbobby said, making little cat scratching motions. I changed the subject. The past few nights I've had some disturbing dreams. Dreams in which I'm being vivisected. I watch the knife make an upward slice, starting at my navel and ending at my chest, working its way towards the classic y shape of a human autopsy. My skin is spread apart and my guts, red and glistening under the light, pulse and throb. Then, I startle awake to stare into the darkness for awhile. "What could it mean," I asked a friend in Canada. "Maybe it means you are anxious about being exposed to the core," she replied. Tonight, an idea hit me ... it's not about a fear of being exposed as much as a revelation that instead of sharing everything on my blog, like I promised...

Have you ever stumbled across a blog that you've thought was the most boring, insipid pile of dreck that you've ever read? Have you ever read that blog's archives in the hopes that it used to be better? Have you ever found yourself repeatedly visiting that blog in the hopes that it will (miraculously) get better? Have you suddenly thought, "Oh. Em. Gee. Someone could think that about *my* blog?" Have you ever come to your senses and realized that no one would ever think that about your most wonderfully fantastic and funny and insightful blog? Me too. Now, let me tell you about Laundry Day ...

I've been mulling over the concept of power for the past few days. A simple decision became decidedly more complex. And it's all about power. Power that's been handed to me on a plate. People may think that power makes you happy, but I am refusing to lower myself to pick it up. Now, my question is: If not power, what will make me happy. Apparently, the answer was not "a Chipotle Vegetarian Fajita Burrito." *Feodor Dostoyevsky (1821–1881), Russian novelist. Raskolnikov, in Crime and Punishment , pt. 5, ch. 4 (published 1866), trans. by David McDuff (1991).