Vibrant.(Still) Unrepentant. Badass. Old. Queer

A friend of mine directed me to a Letter to the Editor in his hometown newspaper and asked me to write a response for him [because I'm so eloquent *cough*]. Here's the letter: Homosexual behavior unsafe Mainstream media, including our own [Newspaper redacted], reported a recent upswing in sexually transmitted diseases. In politically correct fashion, the reports did not mention that the increase is largely due to sex between same-sex partners. Check it out on the Centers for Disease Contol website _ 53 percent of new HIV/AIDS infected are men who had sex with men. More than 8,000 homosexuals died from this disease in the last reported year (2005). Bob Dylan wrote, "How many deaths will it take 'til he knows that too many people have died?" Would you encourage an alcoholic to drink? Then why do you encourage homosexual behavior, a similarly destructive lifestyle? [Name redacted] [Town redacted] Here's my response: Dear Editor: I am amazed that you published the...

Dear Teachers: While I appreciate the fact that you are not only trying to instill a sense of environmental awareness into your young charges, but also teaching them how to write and present an intelligent argument, I wish you would do a little research before providing them with a general address to the Environmental Protection Agency Headquarters in Washington, DC. Why is that? For one thing, the people who work in the EPA mailroom are duuuuuuuuumb ... and lazy. Rather than read your students' letters to determine where they should go, they will send them to me. It doesn't matter if you're writing about water pollution or air quality or dumptrucks from Canada unloading garbage in the state of Michigan (up to 350 per day! Dumptrucks, not letters). We are the catch-all, and I'm tired of catching it all. So, here's a brief tutorial of the EPA website: 1. Go to http://www.epa.gov/ 2. Select your issue (in this example, we'll use "wastes"): 3. Look for ...

... If You Want to Date Me (long-term like) 1. When I am angry/upset about something (that is not you), I do not want your advice (no matter how lovingly given). I want sympathetic murmurings until I calm down (usually in 1 to 5 days). After that time (and only after that time) is it OK to offer advice.* 2. When I am angry/upset about something (that is you), I do not want you to defend yourself. I want you to apologize with little or no fuss until I calm down (usually in 7 to 12 days). After that time (and only after that time) is it ok to explain your weird rationale and why, even though you are still wrong, you think you are right. 3. After the first time I invite you to my home, you are no longer a guest. Please do not sit around expecting me to wait on you. You know where the friggin' water is. Get your own glass. And, while we're at it, helping out (like, y'know, cleaning up after yourself or making the bed) is also acceptable, if not highly desirable.** 4....

You know what VUBOQ is tired of seeing? Can you guess? Give up? All right, I'll tell you: Your friggin' camera and/or your sorry, cheap ass cell phone. Go to almost any luv connection website, like gay.com, match.com, etc. etc. etc., and I gua-ran-tee you will see forked up bathroom photos like this: [Photo taken expressly for the purpose of this post.] [VUBOQ should've folded his towels more neatly before taking this.] You will not see my camera in any photos ... because I know the secret . And I am willing to share. At no cost to you. Are you ready? Do you think you can handle it? TURN YOUR FORKIN' CAMERA AROUND!!!! *sheesh* Every camera has those little viewscreens. Line yourself up in the screen by using its reflection in the mirror. And, you'll get this: [Much better, no?] [Oh. Em. Gee. I am *so* CUTE!] And, while I'm ranting ... Do you only have ONE mirror in your house? Branch out. Use your bedroom mirror! Or the one in the hall! Or the one in the liv...

Here's a fun vocabulary game that also feeds the hungry . Go. Play it now .

A few days ago, someone left a comment asking me to write about gay eating disorders. Once, after being asked one God Damn Time Too Many why I am, and I quote, "such a skinny bitch," I replied, "I vomit after every meal." Then, one of my friends, who overheard me, put me on Bathroom Watch. Which was kind of annoying. [Apparently, he didn't know that experienced bulimics can vomit silently.] For the record, I am not bulimic. I don't binge. I don't purge. Why am I such a skinny bitch? I eat (mostly) healthy food in moderation. I (try to) limit junk food. I come from a long line of genetically skinny bitches. And I also exercise regularly. It's really not a difficult concept to understand. That explains the skinny bit. I'd rather not delve into the bitchiness aspect. Read more about gay men and eating disorders here . And here . If you suspect someone of being a friend of Mia or Ana, read this . Or this .

... Or how to make links in your comments clicketyclicketyclickclickable ... Kittens, you know how much I love you, right? I love you almost as much as I love a perfectly made martini ... and maybe a little bit more. But I really, really, really hate it when you (No, not you. You) , put web addresses in the comment sections [Not *my* comments section. Other people's. Comments on my blog are like happy little tumbleweeds rolling through every now and again ... ahem ... anyway ...] without making them clicketyclicketyclickclickable . Copy-and-pasting is so Windows 95, or whatever geek-term means "like 20 years ago." The How To : You want to direct all the readers of some fabulous blog, like this one or this one , to a really great post you read on an even more fabulous blog . What do you do? What do you do? You look at the following example. That's what you do! Please note that in the following example, I replaced with { and }. When you decide to make your links c...

To Done List: 1. Grocery shopping for picnic tomorrow 2. Likker shopping for picnic tomorrow 3. Wash dishes 4. Pick chili peppers and string for drying 5. Weed front "garden" 6. Change all profiles to single *sniff* 7. Treat self to late afternoon Tom Collins 8. Blog To Do List: 1. Knit 2. Drink bouron 3. Get spare keys from Y 4. Feel sorry for self 5. Mope 6. Watch DVDs 7. Stuff face full of popcorn 8. Contemplate the Mysteries of Life Finally, a word of advice: If you accidentally put an entire tub of garlic-stuffed olives in the freezer and leave them over night. After you move them to the refrigerator and they unthaw, remove the garlic before eating! The garlic turns to mush . Totally EW.

TITLE 21--FOOD AND DRUGS CHAPTER 9--FEDERAL FOOD, DRUG, AND COSMETIC ACT SUBCHAPTER II--DEFINITIONS Sec. 321a. "Butter'' defined For the purposes of the Food and Drug Act of June 30, 1906 (Thirty-fourth Statutes at Large, page 768) "butter'' shall be understood to mean the food product usually known as butter, and which is made exclusively from milk or cream, or both, with or without common salt, and with or without additional coloring matter, and containing not less than 80 per centum by weight of milk fat, all tolerances having been allowed for. (Mar. 4, 1923, ch. 268, 42 Stat. 1500.) I just thought you'd like to know ...