Friday, September 21, 2007

This Is How the Story Ends

Y looked like he was going to say something. We had been talking about my vacation plans and what we were going to do this weekend.

"I haven't fully formed the thoughts yet," he said, "but we've been going out for, what, four months now?"

And it's time to reassess.
And we did.
Or he did.

I'm familiar with the process. First, they say all the good things. I've been supportive during a difficult time. He really appreciates that. I felt my entire body start to shrivel, constrict, tighten. Then, once again I got to hear all the things that are wrong with me. I don't want kids (which is an oversimplification, really). I expect sexual exclusivity. I don't plan. I'm not career-oriented. I don't have goals.

Is this really the impression I give to people? I guess it is ...

"You can tell me what you think is wrong with me?"
"No."
"Well, I guess you think I'm perfect," he said with a laugh.
"No, but I think you're pretty great. Too bad I'm not."

I knew he wanted to end it, but he didn't seem to have the courage to say so. Neither did I.

I went to bed, but couldn't sleep.
He joined me a few hours later. We had sex.

As we lay there, I whispered, "Yuval, I love you."
"I love you, too," he replied, " ... in a way ... but ..."
"You don't need to say anything," I interrupted. And he was silent.

That's the moment I should have done it. That's when I should have said, "I don't think we should be together any longer." But I couldn't. I wasn't sure if my heart could take it. So instead, I stayed awake. Staring at the ceiling. All night.

This morning, I left him sleeping, breathing softly, without our usual before-I-leave-for-work cuddle. The sunrise painted the clouds bright red, and I thought of broken pottery and what my cousin once said: Never use an adhesive stronger than the material you're gluing back together. That way, if it rebreaks, it's along the same lines. New breaks are harder to fix.

Elmers. I always use Elmers. My heart will break along the same lines. I will pick up the pieces, and sitting on my wine-soaked sofa, I will glue them back together. And maybe have some bourbon while doing it.

This is how the story ends.

18 comments:

  1. Bossy adores you. That thing about the glue and all that - totally brilliant, kid. This breakup was probably expected due to a few of your recent hints, but it doesn't make it less devastating.

    But seriously in the words of Bossy's Jewish Grandmother, "For you, someone should do backflips."

    Don't settle for anything less than what you give. Not even for a minute spent staring at a ceiling.
    It's only fair.

    (And who said 'Ambitious' was such a great trait anyway?)

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  2. Breaking up sux! That feeling you describe--so devestating, so unfair. So much better is on its way to you. Vuboq, yourock.

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  3. Oh, Vuboq, sweetie, I'm so sorry. You tell the story so well, but it is so fucking painful. A million big hugs (and a pitcher of Tom Collinses) to you.

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  4. I'm so sorry. I understand so very well how you feel. Some of it mirrors almost exactly what T said to me two weeks ago today. There are no words for the hurt. I send your caring and strength through my thoughts. Don't let this erode the beauty of who you are. Words I've been choking down myself daily, too.

    xo

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  5. This is a pretty lame assessment the one he gave you. Assessing your personality is not the same as assessing the relationship. Perhaps you need to clarify this to Y. Are you sure there is nothing else underneath the surface going on with him? Are they just excuses for not wanting to commit to an "exclusive" relationship? I think you have to confront him on that. No one has any right to tell you that you are not good enough for them because you are not ambitious enough. Even if that's what he really thinks, it's very hurtful and unthoughtful. You have your life together, you don't lack awareness (which it seems that he does). But it might not be the end of the story. If your guts tells you that there is something else going on and that you two have the will and capacity to adjust to each other, maybe you should be frank about issues that bother you but with the intent to work on them. However, if your gut tells you that the potential for this relationship is exhausted, then perhaps it's time to say goodbye.

    lots and lots of love and a big hug!

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  6. Fuck Y. He sucks. We all hate him now.

    I am really sorry about this. Let me know if there is anything that I can do to make you feel better.

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  7. your cousin10:39 AM

    Dear Favorite Cousin,
    We will talk later - but listen to me now too. This guy knew you for what, four months? Five months? Who is he to assess and criticize your life? How well can he possibly know you after such a short time? I've known you all of my life, literally, and except for the not wanting kids bit, I think he's just wrong about you.

    I agree with Bossy's grandmother - someone should do backflips for you! Hello! Your abilities with Thai curry alone would qualify you for instant marriage proposals from large parts of the population.

    If Y doesn't want to be in a relationship with you right now, then it's his loss. Don't let him make you believe that things you want, the life you like, or the personality that makes you my favorite cousin are wrong.
    xoxoxoxoxoxo
    your cousin

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  8. Thinking about it more, character assassination is an extremely selfish, juvenile and immoral thing to do. He did that. And you should put him in his place either way.. or I can come and do that for you :)

    Needless to say, as your cousin said, he is wrong about you. But I only thing those were things he said to make himself feel better by putting you down.

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  9. Anonymous11:29 AM

    He wants to have kids, but doesn't want to be sexually exclusive. Is it just me, or is there something strange about that? It seems to me that his priorities are a little out of whack.

    Ugh. Who wants to be career-oriented? How boring. Goals are overrated. Honesty isn't. He didn't have the courage to tell you how he really felt, but you did. Bravo.

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  10. Poor VUBOQ!! That really stinks. What he said was completely unfair and wrong!! Nothing like deflecting his own character flaws to make you out to be the bad guy. Ugh... that sort of thing makes me so angry! Well take heart that everyone who knows you loves you and doesn't feel that way about you at all.

    *big loving VUBOQ the way he is hugs and smooches*

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  11. Anonymous makes a good point. In my opinion, monogamy would be necessary to raise children in a stable environment.

    Other than that, big smooches sweet, sweet VUBOQ.

    I love you to death, babe.

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  12. *hugs*

    I assume Y means he wants to be non-mono right now and eventually segue into settling down and having a family. But you know, he can go try and pull that off with someone else because he's a cowardly jerk. There's better out there for you, VUBOQ!

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  13. I am right with you on sexual exclusivity, from my perspective if you don't have that you have nothing.

    He will regret his selfishness, and the loss of such an amazing, talented, adorable, sweet, loving little VUBOQ.

    I am so sorry buddy, sending you heaps of hugs. As Anthony said, if there is anything I can do..

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  14. *Hugs*

    You're beautiful. And that's all I have to say about that.

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  15. Would you like me to burn down his village? Because I can. I find it best to engage in destructive (to others, put down the bourbon) behaviour in such cases. It's fleeting, but oh-so-satisfying.

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  16. I feel sadness. And lol gayprof. Hugs.

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  17. Ditto all of the above.

    I love you, and I'm very angry with Y.

    *smooch*

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