Sunday, January 06, 2008

Vivisection

"Have you spoken with him since you are no longer seeing Y," Steveandbobby asked.
"No," I replied. "I have better things to do with my time."
"And the claws come out," Steveandbobby said, making little cat scratching motions. I changed the subject.

The past few nights I've had some disturbing dreams. Dreams in which I'm being vivisected. I watch the knife make an upward slice, starting at my navel and ending at my chest, working its way towards the classic y shape of a human autopsy. My skin is spread apart and my guts, red and glistening under the light, pulse and throb. Then, I startle awake to stare into the darkness for awhile.

"What could it mean," I asked a friend in Canada.
"Maybe it means you are anxious about being exposed to the core," she replied.

Tonight, an idea hit me ... it's not about a fear of being exposed as much as a revelation that instead of sharing everything on my blog, like I promised myself I would do, I have been keeping secrets. Blogging is my therapy. It's where my random thoughts crystalize into coherency. Without it, my feelings tend to stay bottled up inside, where they fester and rot.

I have some festering thoughts that need to be extracted. And they will be soon.

6 comments:

  1. This sounds ominous. I hope, though, that you make use of the blog in the ways that you want.

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  2. Yes, you're being to cryptic. Let it out. For an example, see my blog. I've been spilling my guts all weekend. And I feel SO much better, my thoughts are ever so clearer about the big worry I have right now.
    I love your blog, you know. I enjoy meeting you and learning about the things that are important to you. And learning what you think is silly, or frustrating. I like your labels, too. vuboq drinks too much, vuboq lives for weekends.
    I wonder if you could recommend some recipes or websites for cooking tofu. I'd like to add tofu to my diet and possibly reduce my meat intake, but I really don't know what to do with tofu. There isn't a good market around here to get much fancy stuff, either.
    Loves!

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  3. I am the queen of letting it all hang out (blog-wise)... And i say do it!

    Incidentally, candy corn is the strangest thing i have ever tasted.... thanks!

    x

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  4. I suppose the other question is why have you been holding back? And have you been letting your random thoughts/ feelings through another venue (not the blog)? Would you consider other venues? why/ why not? I know this sounds like an exam question, but it's what I would ask myself if I was confronted with a situation like that-- in which I promise myself one thing and then I end up doing something else: I would reconsider the promise itself and think about the holding back too.

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  5. Let it all out! It will make you feel infinitely better.

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  6. The problem with having readers is that when you do, you can no longer blog about whatever you want to.

    Double-edged sword and all that.

    Spillyerguts! You need to! That's what teh dreamz are about.

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