Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Processing ... Processing ...

Le sigh
Update to follow in a minute ...

He called around 5:30, and I said he could come over for dinner around 7.

He called at 7:15 to say he would be there in 10 minutes. I was on the phone with Mike. "He said he's had a big revelation while in Puerto Rico. I'm hoping we're on the same page and that he has realized we're only using each other as place-holders until someone better comes along."

A little after 8, my door buzzer rang. I opened the door and there he was ... with a rose. "I thought there was a flower shop in your neighborhood," he said, as he gave me a kiss.

No one's every brought me flower before.

"I did a lot of thinking," he said, standing in the kitchen while I stirred the soup. "You're like a boomerang. I keep throwing you away, but you keep coming back."

"Um. It's more the other way around I think," I interjected.

"Well, I know I have trouble saying this, but ... (pause)(deep breath) ... I love you."


We ate soup. We drank rum from Puerto Rico. We had really hot sex. [Apparently, I'm a sucker for flowers.]

I mentioned the kids-thing. He didn't press. It's something he still wants. I'm not all that interested in procreation ... I told him I'm still attracted to him, but I've been trying to sever the emotional connection. And now I'm just more confused.



  1. Anonymous10:42 AM

    I can't even imagine how hard this all must be.

  2. Wow. That gives you something to think about for a while, huh? How sweet that he brought you a flower! But... what now? Wow.

  3. You deserve flowers -- plural.

    Keep in mind he is in a bad space emotionally after the grad school thing. He might be looking for an emotional life raft. I urge caution.

  4. i echo gayprof's warning and opinion re. flowerS.

    related to this: apart from the flower, did you notice any substantive changes in emotional issues that were obstructing a long term relationship? did he say things that gave you a clue to that? or is it just, "pls i want you back"? Thinking about it, I didn't like this tone of "You're like a boomerang. I keep throwing you away, but you keep coming back." it's indicative of the same narcissist tendencies that were always a problem for you.

  5. Oh boy.
    What gayprof said. And also, he hasn't treated you very nicely in the past. (And WTF being an hour late for dinner? He was already late when he went looking for the flower.)

  6. Caution is overrated.

    If, however, your main criterion for a relationship is punctuality, then by all means, stop seeing him.

  7. EEP!

    My gut says run like hell.

  8. Oooh, been there... What you have here is a problem of the head, the heart, the gut and the cock. The heart is listening to "I love you," and the cock is listening to "really hot sex." The heart and the cock, whatever primal fun they may have, tend to get a person into lots of trouble. Now might be the time for the head and the gut to weigh in (if they can get past the love and sex endorphins).

    What a conundrum. Hugs and luck to you, whatever happens.

  9. What Gayproof said that everyone else echoed. But also - Bossy finds it helpful to think about how you feel when you are *not* with that person, because it's easy to be seduced by them in person (and Bossy doesn't just mean sexually.) When Y leaves in the morning, do you feel nervous, sorry, happy, calm - Bossy thinks this is the gut talking, and it's good to listen.

  10. And another thing: sometimes Bossy thinks it's so seductive to feel as though we've Won someone back, that we rarely stop to consider what it is we're really Winning. Make sure you know and accept no substitutes.

  11. No one ever brought you a flower before?! Hell, maybe this should be a beginning of a whole giant change for you...get on the job search, move out of DC and to somewhere with better guys!

    Of course you will do what is right for you, but the boomerang comment really was kind of offensive. I'm sure he didn't *mean* it that way, but that almost makes it worse...

  12. Eeeek, tough one. Though, being sensible is overrated. Be happy instead :0)

  13. I'll buy you flowers next time I come over:-) Oops, I don't have any money because I spent all at Manolo today! Well, seriously, I don't know. Maybe you should take time to think about it.

  14. I'm going to agree with Mel. Run. And I agree with Bala Wala Shi: the boomerang line is a BIG red flag for dysfunction. He's projecting his actions onto you. This is a really bad sign when dating someone.

    Just because he says he loves you doesn't mean you have to try and make it work. Please, just remember that people don't change. Who he is now is who he will always be. Think about whether you can really deal with that. When you find true love, you'll know. There won't be any confusion.

  15. Uh. WTF?

    Screw his motives: what do YOU want? Do you love him? Can you love him? This is the man that is late, the man who blows you off, the man who rearranges stuff in your kitchen...

    What do YOU feel? That's what matters.