Tuesday, January 22, 2008

A Few Things You Should Know ...

... If You Want to Date Me (long-term like)

1. When I am angry/upset about something (that is not you), I do not want your advice (no matter how lovingly given). I want sympathetic murmurings until I calm down (usually in 1 to 5 days). After that time (and only after that time) is it OK to offer advice.*

2. When I am angry/upset about something (that is you), I do not want you to defend yourself. I want you to apologize with little or no fuss until I calm down (usually in 7 to 12 days). After that time (and only after that time) is it ok to explain your weird rationale and why, even though you are still wrong, you think you are right.

3. After the first time I invite you to my home, you are no longer a guest. Please do not sit around expecting me to wait on you. You know where the friggin' water is. Get your own glass. And, while we're at it, helping out (like, y'know, cleaning up after yourself or making the bed) is also acceptable, if not highly desirable.**

4. When I bitch and complain about my job, do not start "being helpful" by pointing out job websites, conducting searches yourself, or saying things like "maybe you should start looking for a new job." I know which job websites to check. I check them frequently. Finding a job that is (a) interesting, (b) in my field, and (c) pays enough money to maintain my current standard of living is not easy. So, BACK da fork OFF. *sheesh*

5. Sex. Several times a week.

That is all (for now).

*Also, if you are not a native English speaker and have the social skills of a drunken frat boy at a strip club, please do not look over my shoulder and correct the angry emails I am composing. I am trying (at least in the email) to be tactful.
**And, if I'm hosting a party, would it kill you to arrive a little early to lend a hand ... without me asking?


  1. For number 3, I would mediated that with the notion that my home isn't a flop house for those being dated either. It's not interesting for me for you to show up late in the evening and then immediately fall asleep on my couch.

    I am not sayin', I am just sayin'.

  2. Anonymous3:26 PM

    Sounds like my dating requirements list (though I still end up with someone who breaks 4 out of 5 of those rules).

  3. I simply cannot imagine why you're still single.

  4. Hmm, I was assuming you weren't single (new reader here, sorry) and that this post was directed very specifically at a certain, special someone.

    Doesn't sound all that unreasonable to me, as long as the ground rules are spelled out at the outset. I'm not a mind-reader, you know.

  5. david: You're very astute. I am currently single, but this was inspired (in part) by the most recent ex, Y, who wants to come over tonight to "have a talk."

  6. Sounds like you might be in the appropriate mood for said talk. Good luck -- whatever that may be!

  7. Sex. Several times a week.
    A very important requisite. IMHO.

  8. @the neighbors will hear:


  9. I read this and thought GULP. I'd better not stay in March. (For GBM!)

    But then I thought

    1=Too easy,
    3=Well, duh!
    4=Too easy,
    5=Well, we know the score on this one.

    So suck it.


    Put your bed against the wall mate, that way you can't get out the wrong side eh?

    Can't wait for GBM. Soooo excited.

  10. Anonymous4:10 PM

    Genius! I shall start creating a manual of my own.