Monday, June 19, 2006

Self-Defeatism

Sometimes I wonder how I ever accomplish anything at all. A behavior of mine I used to be very good at over-powering is starting to take control of my life. I've always been plagued by self-doubt and a lack of confidence in my abilities, but in the past I was fairly successful at pushing myself through these self-imposed barriers.

But, recently (meaning in the past year or so), something has changed. Before I even try something new, I've talked myself out of it:

Look! A cool job advertisement!
What's the point? I won't get it. And -ugh- all those essay questions.

There's a condo for sale! You should buy it!
Eh. It's nice, but I can't afford it. And, it has probably sold already.
[Fortunately, John pushed me on this one.]

Hey! This guy is great! And he really likes you! And he is smart and funny and attractive!
I know, but ... I'm too vulnerable right now. And I should be wary of rebound relationships. And he won't really like me once he gets to know me.

Somehow, I've got to push past this. There's only one person keeping me down ... and that's me.

While I figure out what the hell I'm doing, let's review my weekend:

Friday afterwork, I went home and cleaned up for the fundraising party at Mike's house. I met Robert and his friend, Jim, at Halo. Then, we went to Thai Tanic (get it?) for dinner. After dinner, we walked to the party.

The party had a pretty good turn out (I thought, though Mike seemed a little disappointed). Good food. Mojitos. Male belly-dancer. Darryl was there so I mostly spent my time talking to him and Mike, who at one point said, "You're cute" and kissed me. *giggle*

Robert, Jim, and I left the party around 10:30/45 and walked to the metro station. I got home around midnight.

On Saturday, I slept in until 9ish. Then, I drank lots of coffee and went roller-blading. Later, I walked up to the dry cleaners to pick up some shirts. I watched AeonFlux (gah) and knitted a bit. Around 4:30, I started to get a bit worried, because Mike still hadn't called to arrange our picnic date. I wasn't so worried that I couldn't take a short nap though.

He finally called around 5:30, and we decided to meet at 7:30. He made tomato, basil, and mozzarella sandwiches. I brought fruit and chips and olive tapenade. We picnicked on the lawn in front of the Capitol Building. The sun was setting and the building reflected the orange light. It was so pretty.

The sun went down. The stars came out. We talked. We kissed. A lot. I think we shocked a few Midwestern tourist groups. A Capitol Security Guard came up to us and told us there was no camping on the lawn. Then, he said that he was OK with us being there but another guard may ask us to leave later.

We talked about last weekend and our "hook-up" (which I refuse to call a "hook-up"). Heretofore, last Friday's all night not-quite-sex-a-thon shall be referred to as a "fortuitous convergence of events."

We kissed some more. And we talked. I wanted to make sure he understood the weird emotional place I am in right now. He said he did and that he was OK with just "hanging out."

We left the grounds a little after 11. He invited me back to his place, but I didn't go. Maybe I should have. I don't know. At the time, not going felt like the right thing to do though.

Sunday, I did a lot of blobbing around the house until the afternoon, when I met Robert and Jim at Dupont Circle. It was so hot I think my hair was sweating. We went to Alero for cheese dip and margaritas.

I went home and knitted some more. I finished the three inch 2x2 ribbed band on the front panel of my sweater. Yay! 25 inches to go. Then comes the neck shaping, the sleeve making, and the sewing it all together. Fun times.

I've got a big list of things I want to accomplish today, so I should get started :-)

*smooches*

PS: Don't forget today is Meat-Free Monday!!! Enjoy a meat-free meal. Take a picture. Post it on your blog. Leave me a comment. OR, heck, just do it and tell me about it. *Meat-Free Smooches* to be given on Tuesday!!! You know you love it!

6 comments:

  1. Ah, how to have greater self-confidence. That's one I'm no help on at all. :(

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  3. i have the same issue. just this morning while i was commuting to work, for no apparent reason, i started thinking about free will vs. pre-destination...

    hmm...

    anyhoo... the point is that i think i tend to excuse my fear, my lack of confidence by saying that it's what's been pre-ordained. if somehow i fail, then it's easier to blame the environment, genetics, father, mother, a little boy picking his nose, anything but myself.

    hmm... did i have a point?

    well... whatever.

    oh, i have a point... it's hard for me, at least, to push myself through some "self-imposed barriers," to take the full responsibility for and complete control over my life.

    i think it's hard for everyone. well, at least i hope it is (and that's another issue: the commonality of humankind).

    but if anyone has solved the secret of pushing through self-imposed barriers all the time, or have solved the secret of not creating any self-imposed barriers, i would love to hear it.

    so, in the meantime, i guess we've got to push. however you can. maybe you'll go far, maybe you won't. but push we must.

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  4. You're fantastic. I think you're fantastic. Don't think you're less than fantastic because if you do I'll smack you.

    The date food sounds awesome! Gawd but you queers know how to eat. Yum.

    Kissing! Cute! Public kissing! Extra cute!

    I had a cheese omelet and hash browns today. That's meat-free!

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  5. Mmmmm... Kissing in public! Yum! Just go with your guts. Be honest with yourself, your feelings, and the company you keep. I think you're doing awesome, BTW! Everything will start falling back into place soon... you'll see.

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  6. he's ok with just hanging out? well, you're just going to have to hang out with him lots and lots. really, he sounds really nice.

    just do it. that's what my motto has been for the past few years...well, just do it with paxil, but i don't think you're in need of them. it's silly, keep saying to yourself that you're wonderful, fabulously intelligent and deserve the very best.

    sorry, it can't be a meat free monday for me since i've not only eaten meat, but wild meat and i crave more. *sigh* i don't know what's with me right now. i guess my inner carnivore is coming out.

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