Thursday, June 08, 2006

I Can't Do It

This morning, as I left for work, I picked up my cellphone and BAM! a memory washed over me ... and my heart dropped.

John's cellphone was ringing, but he was upstairs.
I checked the caller ID, "Trent."
"John, there's some guy, Trent, calling you," I said as I brought him his phone.
"That's OK. I'll get it later."

I think that was about 2 weeks ago. I'm not sure.

And, then it hit me. Hard. I can't do it. I can't continue in a relationship with this man. Every call he gets. Every call of mine he doesn't answer. Every time he is late or doesn't meet a promise. I will think, "he's cheating on me."

On Sunday evening, he said probably his greatest regret was that he may lose one of his only friends in the area. As I have reflected on it, my greatest regret is that his fucking around on me is turning me into someone I don't like, someone who is no longer trusting, someone who questions every past decision, someone who is afraid that he won't be able to trust anyone again.

And that's very painful.

This evening, when I go to his house to talk, it will be to pick up my stuff and walk out of his life. I hope I can find the strength to do it.


  1. Never be able to trust ANYONE again? What gives this one guy so much power over you, even after you break up?

    Sorry to go all self-helpy on you again, but I think it's really worth thinking about. Good luck tonight.

  2. Tomokito10:26 AM

    I had been cheated on for two months, and eventually was dumped from a running motorcycle on the street (really) in the middle of the night. Then I was cheated on again, and the guy got married with my co-worker(of course a lovely girl) and said, "Tomoko, you're strong. But she needs me."

    Having had all these s**t(actually there were more), I still can assure you that you will trust people again. We are stupid enough to do that:) You won't be someone who you don't like.
    I can't agree more with Billy. This is something HE did. YOU will NOT change.

    I hope your hair color will be orange again could be cool, though.

  3. Didn't you blog not so long ago about being worried about not feeling love? Just an observation. I know it's hard to step back so soon after this betrayal, but some unsolicited advice: try to ask yourself what you wanted out of this relationship. What were your hopes, and fears even, and did you communicate them. I used to believe in a 'happily ever after' scenario, but now I begin to think that's unrealistic: all relationships end one way or another. When I was dating S., we didn't really talk about what we expected out of it, we just sort of rode along. When I found out he was cheating with AOL tricks, he tried to put the blame on me by saying that we never talked about monogamy, and I didn't know anything about being in a relationship. Ironically, I just saw his profile up online again as single (and he's lying about his age). So his relationship with T. of nearly ten years came to an end. At first I was smug, but then I thought, well, 10 years, that's pretty good, all things considered.

    One thing that I find scary: would he have told you if you hadn't pretty much 'caught'' him? Almost worse than the cheating is the health betrayal and the lack of caring implicit in that.