This morning, as I left for work, I picked up my cellphone and BAM! a memory washed over me ... and my heart dropped.
John's cellphone was ringing, but he was upstairs.
I checked the caller ID, "Trent."
"John, there's some guy, Trent, calling you," I said as I brought him his phone.
"That's OK. I'll get it later."
I think that was about 2 weeks ago. I'm not sure.
And, then it hit me. Hard. I can't do it. I can't continue in a relationship with this man. Every call he gets. Every call of mine he doesn't answer. Every time he is late or doesn't meet a promise. I will think, "he's cheating on me."
On Sunday evening, he said probably his greatest regret was that he may lose one of his only friends in the area. As I have reflected on it, my greatest regret is that his fucking around on me is turning me into someone I don't like, someone who is no longer trusting, someone who questions every past decision, someone who is afraid that he won't be able to trust anyone again.
And that's very painful.
This evening, when I go to his house to talk, it will be to pick up my stuff and walk out of his life. I hope I can find the strength to do it.