Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Public Displays of Affection

I was reading the comments over on GayProf's Blog earlier, and GayProf wrote that he and his lying ex (who told many lies) would have major arguments over public displays of affection.

John and I never had major arguments over public displays of affection. He simply refused to do it. No hand-holding. No hugging. No kissing. No nothing. And, if I ever tried to take his hand or touch him in public, I would receive an angry stare and/or a nasty comment.

One night, we were leaving the horrible little suburban gay bar in Wheaton, De Lounge. I was a little tipsy. As we walked through the parking lot to his car, I reached for his hand. He jerked it away. "You know I don't do that. We don't know anything about this neighborhood or what could happen if someone saw us."

I didn't argue, but thought, "Um. We're leaving a gay bar. I think they know without the hand-holding."

In the car, he continued to berate me about how he didn't do PDAs and why was I so insecure I needed it? The relationship was fairly young, and I wasn't confident in expressing my opinions. So, I took the verbal bashing.

Later, as I reflected on it, I thought, "Why is he so afraid/uncomfortable with PDAs?" Afterall, the man is a federal agent and certified bodyguard. He carries a gun with him almost constantly. He should be the most confident person in expressing how much he cares for someone in public.

And, it's not like I want to suck face in the middle of Heteroville. I just want a hand to hold or a hug when my guy meets me at the airport.

When Mike and I made out in Annie's (IN ANNIE'S!!! GAH!!) and later that weekend when he turned and kissed me on the escalator in Dupont Circle, I thought John would never have done that. I don't need a lot ... but I need something.

So, I guess it's good that I'm out of a relationship which wasn't giving me everything I needed. Yet, if that's true, why am I about to cry do I feel so sad?


  1. Because you loved him nonetheless. I was a wreck after kicking my ex out even though it was the blindingly obviously right thing to do. We don't always make the right decisions about who to love, but that doesn't diminish what we feel/felt for them.

  2. Anonymous4:52 PM

    Nasty comments? Berating? Oh HELLS no! I'm glad you're out of that, even though it's hard. A guy is within his rights to prefer no PDAs, but he doesn't have to get *mean* about it. Pfeh. I can put up with lots of things, but mean is not one of them.

    I've been doing meat-free Mondays for awhile now, but it's never anything interesting enough for a picture (peanut butter sandwich last night). Maybe next week I'll go wild and actually eat something from a plate?


  3. You're grieving the loss of a dream. Just because he didn't give all that you needed (and deserved!) doesn't mean that you didn't need it or wish for it...

    We need a Framboise Chocolatto.
    You should fly to Portland for the weekend.

    That sounds like fun.
    And I'd take you to a FUN gay bar. Even hold your hand. ;-)

  4. In retrospect, I recognize that I gave up way too much and betrayed too many of my ideals because of my liar ex (who told many lies). I think it takes us all time and experience to realize the things that are important to us. Next time I am forming a LTR, I am not going to be as willing to be cowed.

  5. you feel sad because you had invested a great deal into the relationship, a great deal of time, a great deal of trust, of love...and yes, dreams. it's quite ok to feel sad and to feel sad for as long as it takes for you to not feel sad anymore.

    pda's are important. i'm not a big one for the touchie feelie thing, but i like getting hugs once in a while, and i don't care where they are.

    i can only speculate as to why john had problems with pda's. i mean, bran would have no problem hugging you once he got to know you a bit. he doesn't care about what sex a person is, if they want/need a hug and he's able to make some kind of emotional connection, then he's going to hug. it's the way he is. encountering any male who isn't that way leaves me wondering what their problem is...but then, that's me.

  6. I've had that experience before with a couple of exes. I have to admit that I'm kind of ambivalent about it: when I see 2 guys holding hands around Dupont, it's sweet. When I saw a guy come into the sporting goods store here in Clarendon, walk up to another guy and kiss him on the cheek and say 'Sorry I'm late, sweetie!' I thought it was cute (It didn't hurt that they were both big strapping young men, of course). When I saw two guys playing tonsil-hockey at Farragut North I thought it was gross and probably premeditated, intended to shock. Like some str8 couples who are all over each other in public: desperate for attention much?

    That said, I think I've gotten more PDA from R., than you did from John. The guy who didn't like to kiss in private would sort of touch my arm or shoulder in an unaffected 'buddy but more' kind of way. And he did like to cuddle in private.