Friday, June 09, 2006

Over. Out.

The only way I could get myself to stop crying last night was to take a picture.

It's over. Everything happened pretty much as expected. The walk to his house from the metro station was difficult. My stomach was in knots. My knees were shaking. I felt weak.

I rang the doorbell. He let me in. I gathered my stuff together (although I keep remembering things I've forgotten ... like my linen pants). Then, I went up to his home computer and erased all my files - mostly pictures. I left the pictures of Oscar on there though.

I went downstairs and sat on the loveseat. He said, "Well, I guess you've made your decision."

And, I said, "John, I just can't do it." And, then, I blabbed about all the stuff that I'd written yesterday about trust and how I didn't think I could ever trust him again and how I hated the distrustful person he was making me become.

He said he understood. And, he talked some more, never looking at me, and his voice breaking.

I started to cry. He said, "don't cry. I'm not worth it" and walked into the kitchen.

When he came back, he talked about Oscar, how he didn't really think much about animal instincts until he started noticing how Oscar was acting this week. He was agitated and nervous. He wasn't eating or sleeping well. John wondered if either he could sense John's mood or if Oscar was upset because I wasn't around. He said, "I know you'll want to say good-bye to Oscar, but I can't watch. I'll be in the basement."

I pulled Oscar close and we had a good talk. I told him I loved him and would miss him very much. Then, I told him that if John ever dated any jerks, he should bite them on the ass.

After our talk, I gave him a big hug and told John I was leaving. He came back upstairs.

I said, "I don't want this to sound bad, and I don't want it to be the last thing I say to you, but I want you to get an HIV test in 3 months and send me the results."

All of a sudden, John looked, not angry, but hard. He said, "I will. Since I don't have anything keeping me here anymore, I may end up going to Iraq. We will have extensive blood work done beforehand. I'll send you the results."

We walked to the door. I started crying (again. sheesh.) and said, "John, I still love you. I wish this had never happened."

He hugged me tight and whispered, "I love you, too, baby." As I walked out the door, garbage bag full of clothes and memories, he said, "call me if you ever feel ready."

And, I walked to the metro station. Fortunately, my cousin had called. Then, I called Christal. Then, I called Robert. Thank god for good friends.

I think I was keeping it together pretty well. Until I discovered something, I was watching The Producers (the recent version) and towards the end, Matthew Broderick started singing 'Til Him ...

No one every made me feel like someone
'Til him
Life was really nothing but a glum one
'Til him
My existence bordered on the tragic
Always timid, never took a chance
Then I felt his magic
And my heart began to dance I was always frightened, fraught with worry...'
Til him
I was going nowhere in a hurry
'Til him
He filled up my empty life
Filled it to the brim
There could never ever be
Another one ... like him

That's when I started bawling. I couldn't stop. I didn't stop until I took that picture. Then, I went to bed.

And, a new day dawned.


  1. You are stronger than so many.

  2. :-(
    Sorry babe... hang in there. That sucks...

  3. Sorry for the pain. Congrats about standing up for yourself and what you value. One of the hardest but most important things in life to do.

  4. Ahem to: "Thank god for good friends" and a further toast to good family too.

    Every one will support you until you're feeling better, and that wont be long for you!

  5. Well, this sucks! I am so sorry to read about this. Sadly, you are probably going to feel much worse soon.

    In the end, though, you can't be with somebody who is not trustworthy. You made the right choice!

  6. Anonymous4:29 PM

    he's not worthy of your love and trust.

  7. In the meantime, I always recommend these break-up songs:

    Kelis' "Caught Out There"

    Frankee's "Hell No"

    Mary J. Blige's "Not Goin' Cry"

    Neko Case's "Thanks a Lot"

    Eamon's "Fuck It"

  8. Scott C4:56 PM

    While I have never commented on your blog before, please accept my thoughts and prayers as you go through this difficult time. I have been there. You are strong, and while it might take a while, you will get through this, and be better for this. {{hugs from a stranger}}

  9. Anonymous7:47 PM

    ((hugs)) I'm so sorry, this sucks so bad. I'm actually embarassed at how much Shawn and Michael and I have been talking about your predicament, which I mention by way of letting you know that there are at least three people here in Missouri who are sending you healing thoughts.

    I'm proud of you.


  10. He's right. He doesn't deserve your tears.

    Of course, he's only human, and we all fuck up.

    But still, I'm so mad at him for hurting you so.

    On the other hand, I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW FUCKING STRONG AND RESOLUTE AND SELF-AWARE AND WONDERFUL YOU ARE. In spite of the pain, you went over there and did what had to be done and said what had to be said and you're amazing and I'm so proud it almost hurts.

    It's Pride this weekend, yeah? So go out and look at the pretty colors. Don't stay home and mope all weekend.

    I love you. *smooch*

  11. P.S. I started crying at the point in this entry where you'd written he'd said "I love you too, baby."

  12. *hugs* i wish i were there to be of some comfort. i'm thinking of you and sending reiki energy your way, if for nothing else, for some sleep. you did what was right for you.

    remember to keep taking care of yourself.

  13. I love you tiger.

  14. Anonymous10:44 PM

    I have never commented on your blog before, but, I have been an avid follower since DX.

    I wish I had the same strength you had rather than spending a untrusting and suspicious year with my ex before finally realizing that he was never going to change!

    Hang in there, stay strong, as bad as things are today, they will get better and you will trust again.

  15. Anonymous10:45 PM

    oops, I meant to leave my name. :)


  16. Hey--I just read about The End. I'm sorry.

    I know the wound is still fresh and painful, but
    I think you made the right decision.

    Once trust is violated, it is very, very hard to
    get it back, and with the things you've blogged
    in the past about his behaviors, I don't think he
    is deserving of another chance, no matter how
    tender and sweet he may be when none of us are
    around to appreciate it like you can.

    Take it easy on yourself. I hope you find the
    awesome job you are looking for!

  17. Awww man... things can suck some time. Hang in there.

    Sending virtual hugs your way.

  18. Okay so I read the bit about the Oscar and started to cry, and I am so not the crying type. Wow, hun I've been away for far too long, and I had no idea.

    *hugs and love*

  19. I've just finished reading through the sequence of posts (obviously I'm studying hard for my Tort exam in five hours), and I have a caveat before I say anything else: you're too close to this situation (obviously). You're a smart, self-aware person; if possible, take a step back and distance yourself from the entire scenario. Visualise overhearing this conversation between two other people and treat it analytically (I know, easier said than done).

    I'm going to assume that you've quoted him verbatim (or almost so). And from everything that he said to you, this is...ugh. Just "ugh". It seems to me as a relatively neutral third party that much of what he said to you is a displaced effort to pass some degree of the onus of blame/shame/fear forward. He's the one responsible for this scenario, yet he "can't watch", and he's the one trying to find some form of absolution? I know this sounds harsh and unreasonable, but there're about a dozen things in that conversation which indicate to me that he's trying to somehow partially culpate you in the entire process, and that's just rubbish.

    You're better than that. I know that, and I don't even know you.

    There will be others. AN other. And no, he won't be like him ever, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Life is about change, about growth and evolution and adaptation. Pain is an evolutionary tool; it forces re-examination of pre-conceptions and of the status quo. That sucks monkey butt, but it does have a function.

    I'm obviously babbling. For what it's worth, if you ever want to talk to a complete stranger, don't be shy about dropping me a line (assuming of course, that I haven't incurred your total wrath just yet).