It's over. Everything happened pretty much as expected. The walk to his house from the metro station was difficult. My stomach was in knots. My knees were shaking. I felt weak.
I rang the doorbell. He let me in. I gathered my stuff together (although I keep remembering things I've forgotten ... like my linen pants). Then, I went up to his home computer and erased all my files - mostly pictures. I left the pictures of Oscar on there though.
I went downstairs and sat on the loveseat. He said, "Well, I guess you've made your decision."
And, I said, "John, I just can't do it." And, then, I blabbed about all the stuff that I'd written yesterday about trust and how I didn't think I could ever trust him again and how I hated the distrustful person he was making me become.
He said he understood. And, he talked some more, never looking at me, and his voice breaking.
I started to cry. He said, "don't cry. I'm not worth it" and walked into the kitchen.
When he came back, he talked about Oscar, how he didn't really think much about animal instincts until he started noticing how Oscar was acting this week. He was agitated and nervous. He wasn't eating or sleeping well. John wondered if either he could sense John's mood or if Oscar was upset because I wasn't around. He said, "I know you'll want to say good-bye to Oscar, but I can't watch. I'll be in the basement."
I pulled Oscar close and we had a good talk. I told him I loved him and would miss him very much. Then, I told him that if John ever dated any jerks, he should bite them on the ass.
After our talk, I gave him a big hug and told John I was leaving. He came back upstairs.
I said, "I don't want this to sound bad, and I don't want it to be the last thing I say to you, but I want you to get an HIV test in 3 months and send me the results."
All of a sudden, John looked, not angry, but hard. He said, "I will. Since I don't have anything keeping me here anymore, I may end up going to Iraq. We will have extensive blood work done beforehand. I'll send you the results."
We walked to the door. I started crying (again. sheesh.) and said, "John, I still love you. I wish this had never happened."
He hugged me tight and whispered, "I love you, too, baby." As I walked out the door, garbage bag full of clothes and memories, he said, "call me if you ever feel ready."
And, I walked to the metro station. Fortunately, my cousin had called. Then, I called Christal. Then, I called Robert. Thank god for good friends.
I think I was keeping it together pretty well. Until I discovered something, I was watching The Producers (the recent version) and towards the end, Matthew Broderick started singing 'Til Him ...
No one every made me feel like someone
Life was really nothing but a glum one
My existence bordered on the tragic
Always timid, never took a chance
Then I felt his magic
And my heart began to dance I was always frightened, fraught with worry...'
I was going nowhere in a hurry
He filled up my empty life
Filled it to the brim
There could never ever be
Another one ... like him
That's when I started bawling. I couldn't stop. I didn't stop until I took that picture. Then, I went to bed.
And, a new day dawned.