Yesterday, I couldn't bear the thought of sitting in my apartment staring at the walls until I fell asleep, so I arranged to meet Diablo for happy hour. The great thing about his new job is that we can meet at a reasonable hour for drinks, and I still get home at a decent time.
We went to Halo and had watermelon margaritas (2-4-1! Yum!). Then, we went to Logan Tavern for dinner. I had a *new* drink, Lemonade Cooler, which was very refreshing, and two sides, broccoli and garlic mashed potatoes. For dessert, we split some sort of warm brownie thing and I had hot cocoa with peppermint schnapps.
Surprisingly, I'm not hungover this morning. Odd.
Anyway, it was good to talk about things with Diablo. On the way home, I called John. He didn't answer. Previously, I would have thought "he must have fallen asleep on the sofa" or "maybe he's in the hot tub." Last night, my first thought was "I wonder if he's fucking someone else."
He never returned my call. And I hate the suspicious, untrusting person I'm becoming.
I ended up having a long conversation with my friend, Isa. She went through something similar several years ago with her husband. And, maybe focusing on my problems helped her take her mind off her father, who is slowly wasting away.
As I laid in bed last night thinking why would he do this to me and reflecting on the advice and conversations with friends, I came up with two possibilities. One. He's a habitual cheater. This wasn't the first time and it won't be the last. I should break up before I get hurt again. Or, Two. This was a one time thing and it may or may not be the last.
My heart wants to think Option Two, but the rest of me is screaming "ONE!"
But, because I usually ignore the rest of me, I thought a lot about Option Two (with the help of Marvelous Mush). If this was a one time thing, why did he do it? Mush suggested, and after much thought I'm beginning to agree, that he did it because he wanted out. We had just passed a milestone (1 year) and at that point people naturally re-evaluate their situations. Maybe he decided he wasn't happy, but didn't know how to say it. So, either consciously or subconsciously, he created a situation that I would easily discover and would use to end the relationship.
Of course, when it actually happened and he saw how hurt I was, he began to feel guilty. Now, to assuage his guilt he wants to patch things up. But, unless the root cause of his unhappiness is discovered, he'll cheat again.
Do I want to invest the time and effort to discover that cause? Right now, I'm not so sure. I'm not sure I can ever trust him again. I'm not sure I'll ever trust anyone again. And that's a scary, scary thought. I may be a VUBOQ, but I never wanted to be alone and unloved.
Eventually, probably aided by alcohol, I fell asleep. Around 3:45, I awoke with a start. I was having a bad dream (I don't remember it), and it felt like someone had hit me in the back of the head. Hard. Heart pounding. I rubbed the back of my head and looked around the room.
I was alone.
Now that you've read my bitching and moaning go over to Billy's blog and read this.