Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Hard Day's Night

Yesterday, I couldn't bear the thought of sitting in my apartment staring at the walls until I fell asleep, so I arranged to meet Diablo for happy hour. The great thing about his new job is that we can meet at a reasonable hour for drinks, and I still get home at a decent time.

We went to Halo and had watermelon margaritas (2-4-1! Yum!). Then, we went to Logan Tavern for dinner. I had a *new* drink, Lemonade Cooler, which was very refreshing, and two sides, broccoli and garlic mashed potatoes. For dessert, we split some sort of warm brownie thing and I had hot cocoa with peppermint schnapps.

Surprisingly, I'm not hungover this morning. Odd.

Anyway, it was good to talk about things with Diablo. On the way home, I called John. He didn't answer. Previously, I would have thought "he must have fallen asleep on the sofa" or "maybe he's in the hot tub." Last night, my first thought was "I wonder if he's fucking someone else."

He never returned my call. And I hate the suspicious, untrusting person I'm becoming.

I ended up having a long conversation with my friend, Isa. She went through something similar several years ago with her husband. And, maybe focusing on my problems helped her take her mind off her father, who is slowly wasting away.

As I laid in bed last night thinking why would he do this to me and reflecting on the advice and conversations with friends, I came up with two possibilities. One. He's a habitual cheater. This wasn't the first time and it won't be the last. I should break up before I get hurt again. Or, Two. This was a one time thing and it may or may not be the last.

My heart wants to think Option Two, but the rest of me is screaming "ONE!"

But, because I usually ignore the rest of me, I thought a lot about Option Two (with the help of Marvelous Mush). If this was a one time thing, why did he do it? Mush suggested, and after much thought I'm beginning to agree, that he did it because he wanted out. We had just passed a milestone (1 year) and at that point people naturally re-evaluate their situations. Maybe he decided he wasn't happy, but didn't know how to say it. So, either consciously or subconsciously, he created a situation that I would easily discover and would use to end the relationship.

Of course, when it actually happened and he saw how hurt I was, he began to feel guilty. Now, to assuage his guilt he wants to patch things up. But, unless the root cause of his unhappiness is discovered, he'll cheat again.

Do I want to invest the time and effort to discover that cause? Right now, I'm not so sure. I'm not sure I can ever trust him again. I'm not sure I'll ever trust anyone again. And that's a scary, scary thought. I may be a VUBOQ, but I never wanted to be alone and unloved.

Eventually, probably aided by alcohol, I fell asleep. Around 3:45, I awoke with a start. I was having a bad dream (I don't remember it), and it felt like someone had hit me in the back of the head. Hard. Heart pounding. I rubbed the back of my head and looked around the room.

I was alone.

Now that you've read my bitching and moaning go over to Billy's blog and read this.

3 comments:

  1. you don't have to become a distrusting person, just be learn to pay attention to red flags. don't be afraid to believe that some people are untrustworthy. other are trustworthy. sometimes its hard to tell the difference...

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  2. Don't think that this situation has made YOU into something (untrusting, etc.). This is something HE did. You are the same person you were before you found out. HE, on the other hand, was keeping something about himself from YOU.

    FYI, there is a truism in the psychology/self-help world: The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

    Thanks for linking!

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  3. (Understand I've been cheated on more times than I can count, so some of my shit comes through my own filters and may be useless.)

    The man stayed home all day with the evidence, and you even called and said you were on your way over. And he was just there, waiting to get 'caught.' If that's not on purpose, you might have to consider that he's not the sharpest tool in the shed.

    The only reason I can think of to do that? Is to get you to dump him.

    Which means he's too chicken to dump you.

    Which means he cares for you, but not enough to pull the band-aid off fast. He's trying to peel it off slow so it hurts for a long time.

    Which is a coward's way out.

    You gotta ask your questions to his face, I think. I don't know if you have enough information yet about trust, faith, fidelity, and needs... you can sit around and wonder all you want, but these aren't your questions to answer. They're his.

    *hug hug hug*

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