Wednesday, November 01, 2006

From the Enviroboi Files!

OMG! OMG! So excited! I was going through all the disks piled on my desk looking for the most current version of my resume. I stumbled upon a disk with copies of some of my journal entries from Diary-X before it crashed and burned! AND, it just so happens that some of them are my FAVORITE entries!!! GAH!

I thought they were lost forever!

I've decided to post a few of them throughout the day today ... so keep checking back.

This is the tale of my worst date ever ...

Date Report [April 16, 2004]

I was looking forward to my date last night with nervous excitement. I had been emailing and chatting with Ron for several days. He seemed like a good guy, and we had similar interests. I posted the link to his profile in the previous entry and almost all of the comments were positive.

Isn’t it amazing how so many people can be so wrong about a person? Isn’t it amazing how someone who seems so great on paper and in electronic communications can be such a total fuckwad in person?

I shall now try, to the best of my ability, to reconstruct the date, so that those of you who are still dating can learn what NOT to do and that those of you who are no longer dating can sit back and have a happy little laugh at my expense.

And, thus, my chronicle of the Worst First Date in the History of Dating begins:

We met at the Bethesda Metro Station at 6PM and walked downtown to the Green Papaya, a Vietnamese restaurant that Robert recommended. On the way, we made idle chitchat which was fine.

We’re seated. The restaurant has a nice d├ęcor and wasn’t overly crowded. We order drinks. I have beer, “33” – a Vietnamese beer, he asked for an Absolut Mandarin baybreeze (or something like that). The waiter brings my beer and apologizes to Ron, because they are out of grapefruit juice. Would he prefer a –something something- instead?

“No,” said Ron, “I’ll just have Absolut Mandarin on the rocks.” The waiter left. Ron complained for a good 10 minutes about them having no grapefruit juice: Do they have bad relations with neighboring restaurants? Couldn’t they go borrow some? It’s not busy. They could just run to the 7-11 and buy a bottle. How could they be out of grapefruit juice … and so on, and so forth …

I’m like. Yes. Whatever.

First Date Tip #1: When the bar/restaurant is out of something you ordered. State your disappointment. Order something else. Move on. Do not continue to harp on friggin’ grapefruit juice for the REST OF THE EVENING!

Every time there was a lull in conversation or we talked about the food, he had to bring up the “no grapefruit juice” thing. I don’t even like grapefruit juice. I could not care less.

The conversation turned to shopping. He said something about he doesn’t shop at bargain stores. “I’d never go into an Old Navy.”

“I’m wearing Old Navy underwear,” I responded.
“Can I see?” he asked.
“Um, no.”

First Date Tip #2: Although I am partially to blame for this one, never ask to see your date’s underwear.

We started to talk about our jobs. He works for a non-profit foreign exchange organization. I tell him about my work for an EPA contractor … blah blah blah … you know the drill.

He said, “We’re supposed to recycle in my apartment complex, but I don’t. I just throw everything into the trash.”

“Really, recycling is required by law in Montgomery County. And, it’s not that difficult to do. I have two trash cans in my kitchen: regular trash and recyclables.”

“I just don’t bother. I don’t know what is recyclable and what isn’t.”

“Well, it’s not that hard to learn. Your apartment complex should provide you with a list, translated into several languages, of what is and what is not recyclable.”

First Date Tip #3: If you are dating a person with a master’s degree in Global Environmental Policy, do not go on and on about what an environmentally careless person you are.

Conversation shifted to families.

He was born in Germany, lived there until he was 18. Then, he came to the United States to study. He has an older brother (still in Germany) and a younger sister (living in New York City). I asked about his parents’ ancestry.

He said, “Well, which version do you want to hear?”

“Whichever one you wish to tell me, I guess.”

“My father is German and my mother … ha ha … I’m kidding … do I look German?”

“Not really, but that doesn’t mean your father couldn’t be German.”

“C’mon. It’s obvious that both my parents are Asian. I couldn’t possibly be half German.”

“My best friend from college’s mother is Okinawan. Her father is American. She looks just as Japanese as anyone.”

He wasn’t buying it. Apparently his features are too Asian to be only 50% Asian. What a crock.

His parents are from China, somewhere in Canton (Guangdong). He asked if I only date a specific type of person. I said no, I don’t limit myself to one particular type, race, ethnicity, when there are so many fantastic guys out there. He said, “I do.” He also said, “I don’t really like Asians, unless they are very Westernized.”


First Date Tip #4: Don’t even allude to racial purity issues.

By now, are you thinking, “Enviroboi, it can’t get any worse than this?”
“Ha ha,” Enviroboi laughs.

Attempting to lighten the conversation a little, I asked about DC. He’s only lived in the area for about 8 months. Apparently, that is enough time to form some very strong opinions. DC is horrible. Unsafe. We had a mayor who did drugs. The whole Clinton affair was because of DC culture. The streets have potholes. People sell drugs on the street. He kept saying “Astounding. Astounding” and would then spew forth on everything that is wrong with the city.

I was … um … astounded.

First Date Tip #5: Never insult the city/area where your date lives. Especially after the date says, “I love [name of city]. I think it’s one of the most beautiful cities in the world. Have you ever seen it at night?”

He recounted a story about how he had to walk down K Street one night and it was “the only time I’ve ever felt unsafe.” This is coming from a man who lived for –at least- three years in New York City (but never left his apartment?).

As he was telling me the story of being accosted for money late at night on K Street, he kept saying, “If I had had a gun, I would have killed the man. I would have shot him. I would have killed him.”

What does one say to that? Well, I said, “That wouldn’t have been a very smart thing to do.”

To which he responded, “Don’t you believe in capital/corporal punishment?”

I replied that I think in some instances the death penalty is justified. However, it has to be approached very, very carefully because we should not kill people for crimes they did not commit. There have been many instances in which innocent people have been absolved of death row crimes.

He then blathered on about how the men that killed Matthew Shepard are now requesting leniency. “Only in America. Only in America can people do this,” he ranted.

“Do what? Have due process under the law?”

That must have thrown him, because he asked, “What do you think about abortion?”


“Abortion. Are you pro-life? Pro-choice?”

“I’m pro-choice.”

“What? How… the innocent babies …”

“Don’t throw the word ‘innocent’ back at me, buster,” I thought. Maybe my ideas about capital punishment and abortion seem on the surface contradictory, but I can explain:

“I feel it is not my body, so it’s not my decision. I can not dictate to a woman what to do. If she can live with consequences, it’s her choice. Plus, I don’t have to support the child for 18 years. She does.”

First Date Tip #6: Never, ever mention controversial, divisive topics. And, if, by accident the topic does come up, never, ever attack your date for his (or her) beliefs.

By this point, I noticed my posture. My arms were folded across my chest, and I’m sitting at least a foot from the table, leaning back in my chair. Could I get any farther away?

The waiter approached, “Would you like any coffee or …?”
“No, thank you,” I responded, quickly, “Just the check please.”

As we were waiting for the check, he started talking about how attractive Paris Hilton is. What? Paris Hilton, the fabulously wealthy, bleach blond, fake tanned bimbette? Attractive? I said, “But, she is so fake. She’s a Barbie doll.”

“I like Barbie, too,” he said.


We leave the restaurant. He kept talking about how good the food was (except for the minor grapefruit juice incident – LET IT GO ALL READY), how it was decent service, better than he usually receives (maybe that’s because you were with a person who tends to be polite to the waitstaff).

As we walked to the Metro Station, we passed a movie theater. There were a few high school/college age girls standing there wearing low cut tops and flip-flops.

“How can they be wearing that now?” he ranted. “It’s too much skin. Flip-flops at this time of year.”

“I don’t think it’s too much skin. It’s the fashion. It’s warm. What’s wrong with it?”

“Showing too much skin can make people who see them become rapists.”

Uh-huh. I let that one slide.

We turned the corner. A woman walked past us. “She’s wearing open-toed shoes. You shouldn’t wear open-toed shoes until after Memorial Day,” he said.

“Maybe she doesn’t subscribe to out-dated fashion dictums,” I responded.

“It just shouldn’t be done.”

Blah blah blah … get over yourself.

When we finally arrived at the Metro Station, I shook his hand and said good night.

What I think he said was, “Can I get a hug?”
I said, “What?”
He replied, “Good night.”
“Good night. See you around.”

He walked home. I went down the escalator and immediately called Robert. We met at Food Bar so I could recount my WORST FIRST DATE EVER and drink myself silly.

At least that part of the evening was fun. The bartender was good-looking, too.

And, that’s my story. I hope everyone can learn something from my Tale of Woe. I have. And, now, the bar is set really, really low for my next first date. I would say it couldn’t get worse, but that is just inviting trouble.


  1. Wow -- Since I did not know your first incarnation, this story is new to me.

    So.Much.Was.Wrong. What was up with the grapefruit juice thing? I mean, I have drinks of choice and am disappointed when a bar can't comply, but I deal with the pain. Was he suffering from scurvy and really needed the juice?

  2. I missed this one the first time around. Wow. Just... wow. Wow.

  3. Anyone who says they like Barbie on our first date? SO NOT GETTING LAID.

  4. i remember the first recounting of the you know, rereading it, it still reads like pretty much the worst date ever. i bet he's got some enabling guy trying to live up to whatever standards he has...either that or he's straight now and is currently trying to reproduce...isn't that a scary thought?