Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow

He finally called at 7:30. I didn't answer.
I called back half an hour later.

"I'm not coming over tonight," I said. "We need to have a conversation. And I'm not ready."
"I know," he said.
"Maybe tomorrow."

Things that need to be said in person.
Things that need to wait until tomorrow.
I'm upset
And disappointed.
And don't really know where this is going next.
Sometimes I'm OK.
Sometimes I'm scared.
Like tonight, looking out my kitchen window into the dark night.
My heart beating fast and my breath refusing to come
Except in short raspy gasps
Until I told myself to remember to breathe.
And concentrated on the air coming in
My chest expanding
Contracting
And the air going out.
I never thought I'd have to think about breathing.
But, there, in my kitchen,
Water dripping from the tap
That's what I was doing.
And maybe we'll talk about this tomorrow.

7 comments:

  1. So today is the day then. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Water dripping from the tap needs a plumber.

    Seriously, though, it is better to be alone than unhappy. Trust me.

    ReplyDelete
  3. What gayprof said. He knows all, you know. XOXO.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yes, what gayprof and pacalaga said.

    Don't worry, you have lots of people who care about you. You won't be alone. As a matter of fact, you are not alone now. Think of all the people who have been there for you even when Y was not. See?

    ReplyDelete
  5. thanks all.

    gayprof: I've been meaning to get the sink fixed for awhile now ... *sigh*

    ReplyDelete
  6. Gosh, sounds like everyone is quite eager for you to dump Y.

    I fully trust that you will approach this in an adult manner and do what is best for you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. That breathing thing is good. Keep it going. And when you forget, it will remind you. Then do it again... feel the air filling the lungs, then let it out slow and steady, then do it again. You have experienced a trauma. Trauma tends to unbind things you thought were all tied up. So with some things you need to start over with the basics. It's a little bit like rebooting a computer. Allow yourself to take small steps when you need to.

    ReplyDelete