Monday, September 01, 2008

VUBOQ is Angry.

And upset and hurt and irritated and frustrated and is focusing all of this anger, upset, hurt, irritation, frustration on his absentee boyfriend.

I understand that some people don't react well in crisis situations. They don't know what to say. They don't know what to do. But, even I, who I consider to be one of those people who doesn't always know what to say/do, even I know that asking "what do you want me to do?" or "what do you need?" is a million times better than doing nothing or trying to turn it into a big joke.

Save the jokes for next month, when I'm feeling a little more secure.

I mean, it took several phone calls just to get Y to understand that at one point I thought I might be killed. I almost blacked out. I was (and sometimes still am) frightened.

And, on Saturday, he calls, we talk for a bit. Then, he says that he needs to fill out a form or something and he'll call me back. This was around 11AM.

No call. About 12 hours later, I get an IM. An IM that was not at all apologetic for not returning a call. An IM that was flippant and insensitive. So I wrote back, "I'm going to bed." and signed off.

He called. I didn't answer. He sent a text: "Why the bad mood?"

Sunday morning around 10AM, I was just telling a few neighbors how upset I was over this, and he calls. "What was up with the bad mood last night?"
"I was upset with you for not calling me back when you said you would."
We talked. He said he would try to come home early and that he would call me later to tell me what time. "Maybe we could catch a movie," he said.

At midnight, I got a text message. "How r u doing. I'll b back tomorrow."

Well, d-fucking-uh.

Y'know, I hate it when I'm being all selfish and demanding, but, in this case, I think I deserve a little attention. I deserve to have someone focused entirely on my needs. And I didn't get that. He didn't even offer to come home early. Not even on Friday, when I was crying so hard he couldn't even understand what I was saying.

And, yesterday, I got the distinct impression that the only reason he wanted to leave early now was because the friend he was staying with was working all weekend. Y wanted to come home early because he was bored. Not because he thought I might need him to help fall asleep at night. Not because sometimes it's a little scary to go outside alone. Nope, even after I've been viciously attacked, it's still the Y Show.

Unless, of course, I am completely misreading the whole situation ... I will allow for a thoughtful explanation on his part, but right now I think I have had enough.


  1. I'm sorry he doesn't get it. You went through something terrible and scary and you need pampering and cuddles.

  2. This is pretty bad. It's not like you never talked about his self-centered attitude. Even if he doesn't take the emotional impact of this seriously, he already knows that you do and he should at least respect that and get over himself a little. He could have at least offered to look after your bruises.

    I often don't say those things, but this time I think I will-- maybe you should reconsider staying in the relationship?

    p.s. a friend of mine was robbed a while back and even though she wasn't hurt or beaten, she was shaken for many weeks. She went to a one-session counseling thing which seemed to help.

  3. My friend, some people won't get it and will do this to you every time. If you are to stay with him, you have to recognize that he will NEVER be there for you in times of crisis and you have to build a network of people who will. (Personally, I think you deserve much better than that.) I'm sorry it happened and I'm sorry it still freaks you out. Maybe you can try bala wala shi's suggestion.

  4. First off, I don't think you're AT ALL out of line expressing this. (For reference see my blog for, oh, the seven years I was with The Ex. Reading back, it was obvious I should have left him earlier.)

    Secondly, you're absolutely right to want what you want. A good partner would drop everything and come pamper you for a day or five. It doesn't matter what he thinks about whatever you've been through, it's what YOU FEEL. There are no value judgments on that. You need him, he should be there. That's the contract - it's why we partner up with people rather than be alone in the first place.

    Third, I'm sorry Y isn't being present for you. You got attacked, for fuck's sake, and I don't feel at all trepidatious in saying that if he loved you the way he should, he'd be there for you.

  5. You know, VUBOQ, this is one of those times when things that may be otherwise unclear come into perfect focus. Don't think it's you, not for a minute. This is an inappropriate reaction on his part, and well, now you know. This is who he is, and now you have to decide if that's enough for you.

    Been there, done that, settled for taking what I could get, and question myself everyday. But I DO know I deserve better. You do too.

  6. You're not being overly demanding, considering the situation. You deserve better.


  7. I'm trying to come up with some good reasons or excuses for Y's behavior. So far I'm coming up blank.

    How about your other friends and neighbors? Are you getting support from them? Regardless of Y's actions or inactions, you need some TLC right now. I would bring you a fresh loaf of bread or something if I was close enough. I am more interested in whether or not you have support than in who is or isn't supporting you right now.

    Though the whole Y question needs to be addressed sometime soon. Just not today. Probably not this week. Get through this. Regain some perspective on your life. Don't make any major decisions when you are so emotionally fragile.

    I'm thinking of you. Sending good thoughts and positive energy your way, dear. Take it easy, be especially nice to yourself now.

  8. Expecting too much from relationships is the bane of my existence. It's so hard being in a relationship and not getting what you need. Or being told what they do give is what you should need if you were normal. And it's frustrating as hell to be told you can't hold anyone else accountable for your expectations.

    So yeah. It sucks. But you have a great support system and you will get through it smarter and stronger. Like another blogfriend said, take your time and don't do anything rash.
    ....all the best to you!!!

  9. anne marie in philly8:31 PM

    speaking from experience here, you learn who your friends are when you are faced with a crisis situation.

    in my case, my parents and my spouse deserted me.

    your true friends (like tomokito) are probably being the most helpful to you right now.

    so screw you, had a good thing and you lost it by focusing on your own sorry ass! jerkoff!

    VUBOQ deserves a better man than Y.

    (((((hugs))))) and if I were there you would have a shoulder to cry on fer sure.

  10. Y needs a serious ass-kicking. Even if we grant that he lives in a Y-centered universe, he should be taking care of the things that he loves in that universe. Like YOU!

    But, it isn't a Y-centered universe, and he is being entirely insensitive. You are reacting exactly as a person should react, and expecting exactly what a person should expect when they have been physically assaulted, nearly choked to death, and had to fight for their life while simply going about their daily business. You need the person who loves you to hug you and hold you close and tell you that everything is going to be o.k. and validate your very valid feelings.

  11. I don't know this "Y" character you're dating, and I don't even know you that well, aside from our Plurk exchanges and whatnot-- but if I were dating someone and he pulled that kind of crap on me when I was desperately in need of a kind word, a hug, or just a shoulder to cry on, he'd be kicked to the proverbial curb faster than you could say "Thanks for nothing, jerk!"

    And it's times like this where I look at my own situation- single for 7 years and seemingly no prospects on the horizon- and I think I am better off. :(


  12. What a pooper he is. I hope the lightbulb goes off in is head. Hugs.

  13. Boyfriends eh. *More hugs*