Good Evening, Kittens!
Last night (well, early this morning), I had a dream, a very disturbing (or as they sometimes write around my office "distrubing") dream. It woke me up around 3:40 and I couldn't really fall back asleep ...
After a long animated set-up, I end up in a house. And begin systematically killing the people inside (and there were A LOT of people inside). I have a gun that can change modes from machine gun to rifle to flame-thrower. I don't recognize the people. And I don't feel any remorse. All I know is that I will not be leaving the house alive.
At one point, I let a group of African-American school children leave the house (through the attic, which -after they escape- I set fire to with my flame-thrower). And, then, I try to exit the house. Outside is chaos. I see cars and buses and crowds of people.
It's at this point, I see the only two people I recognize in the entire dream.
As I try to leave the house, Adam comes towards me with an uzi. But, god bless his little ginger heart, he can't fire a gun at all and ends up shooting himself. Sorry, Adam, you ended up a bloody, bullet-ridden corpse. Off in the distance, I see M staring at me. I can't really read his expression.
I go back into the house, walk towards the kitchen, and start searching for a knife. I know that a SWAT team or something is going to storm the house soon. The first knife I grab is a short serrated bread knife. I think about slicing my wrists, but realize that won't be quick enough. So, I put the knife against my throat and prepare to cut.
And, that's when I woke up. And tossed and turned until the alarm went off at 5:15 ...
Parts of this dream have been playing in my head all day. I kind of hate it when that happens, but it also makes me think the message is important.
I don't know much about dream analysis, yet what I feel my subconscious is telling me is that in some way I am intentionally sabotaging my life. I really feel like (oddly, given the setting) is that this sabotage revolves around work. Neither my friends (represented by Adam) nor potential love interests (M) will resolve the situation. This is something I need to do by myself without relying on emotional crutches. Friends won't help. Falling in love won't either. I need to get my shit together. And, I need to find the internal motivation to do so. ugh.