Sunday, April 23, 2006

Out of the Mouths of Babes

an "i really should be going to bed rather than typing up a blog entry" entry ...

The other day I had a phone conversation with a former coworker, the Skankified Ho (reformed) (temporarily, I think). During the course of this conversation, she asked, "When is the appropriate time to say 'I love you.'" I said something along the lines of "when it feels right, you'll know blah blah blah stock advice columnist answer."

"True," she said, "but, when did you say it to John."

"I haven't."

"WHAT?!?! How long have you been dating?"

"Nearly 9 months."

Yeah ... we've had a relationship baby, and I still haven't said those three little word which carry so much weight. He hasn't said it to me either ... well, besides those post-coital moments two months (or less) into our dating which completely freaked me out.

We've jokingly said things like "I love you and all, but ... blah blah blah ha ha ha." Which is not the same thing, right? Right?

I do love him. Saying it ... aloud ... to him ... is an entirely different bunch of bananas though. There have been times when I've wanted to say it, but it didn't feel "right" (whatever that feels like). I kind of want to say it now... but he's not here.

Sometimes, I miss him so much it hurts, and I want to curl up into a little ball on the bed hibernating until he gets back. The rest of the time, I tuck the missing in the back of my brain, distract myself with fun activities with friends, and somehow manage to muddle through the day.

Is that love?

I don't know. I think I've become so adept at hiding my emotions that I can't even recognize them in myself.

2 comments:

  1. I think the post-coital "I love you's" and the "I love and all buts..." do count. They aren't afforded the bells and whistles a big announcement would be, and you may even regret them, or not believe them, after the fact, but you did say the words.

    Kinda like oral sex "not being sex." It is sex -- that's why they call it SEX. ;)

    Does that make any sense?

    The most moving line in Brokeback Mountain to me was when Jack said to Ennis, "Sometimes I miss you so much it hurts." (The very words you said about John.) Neither one of them says "I love you" in the whole movie, but that one line said it all to me for Jack's character. For Ennis it was when he said at the very end, after Jack was dead, "Jack Twist, I swear..."

    Saying the three words in a clear, unambiguous way is a huge step, I grant you, and I can relate to all of your feelings. Just some rambling thoughts prompted by them. No solutions. You'll have to write to "Kase" for that! ;)

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  2. Just say it. Get it over with. It's not important enough to agonize over, really - love is common and it's everywhere. Love is easy. Love is the natural state of things. So just say it.

    I'd councel you to this sort of gunshyness when contemplating buying property together, but saying "I love you" is a no brainer.

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