an "i really should be going to bed rather than typing up a blog entry" entry ...
The other day I had a phone conversation with a former coworker, the Skankified Ho (reformed) (temporarily, I think). During the course of this conversation, she asked, "When is the appropriate time to say 'I love you.'" I said something along the lines of "when it feels right, you'll know blah blah blah stock advice columnist answer."
"True," she said, "but, when did you say it to John."
"WHAT?!?! How long have you been dating?"
"Nearly 9 months."
Yeah ... we've had a relationship baby, and I still haven't said those three little word which carry so much weight. He hasn't said it to me either ... well, besides those post-coital moments two months (or less) into our dating which completely freaked me out.
We've jokingly said things like "I love you and all, but ... blah blah blah ha ha ha." Which is not the same thing, right? Right?
I do love him. Saying it ... aloud ... to him ... is an entirely different bunch of bananas though. There have been times when I've wanted to say it, but it didn't feel "right" (whatever that feels like). I kind of want to say it now... but he's not here.
Sometimes, I miss him so much it hurts, and I want to curl up into a little ball on the bed hibernating until he gets back. The rest of the time, I tuck the missing in the back of my brain, distract myself with fun activities with friends, and somehow manage to muddle through the day.
Is that love?
I don't know. I think I've become so adept at hiding my emotions that I can't even recognize them in myself.